A journey into the past:
How we become what we believe to be
Last month I went to Germany to be part of a family gathering, 4 generations, 45 people from Germany and America. My cousin Klaus offered a old fashioned "cinema" show: films taken by his father in the "ancient" way, long before videocameras with magnetic bands, let alone digital cameras, existed. Prickling noise of the film projector, a reminder of past times. And not to speak of what was shown: my parents and uncles as young adults, and finally my siblings and myself at tender ages.
I was the third of 5 children, 2 elder brothers, a sister 5 years after me and a brother 3 years later (he became the love object of all of us). Basically what I had to deal with were my elder brothers. Oh boy! I remember the fights I had with them, the desperation because I was alone against 2 stronger beings, one of them always ready to hit with his sharp words. I learned how "only a joke" hurts a lot and how little I could do to defend myself against them.
My parents were not very helpful. Although my brothers had to help with the dishes, they were still boys. They didn't need to endure Aunt Erika's severe teaching about how to iron and fold underwear, towels and shirts (probably a reason why in adult life I hardly ever iron anything!) and they didn't have to learn how to run a household. One brother became a passionate cook - but he cooked what he WANTED to cook, not what a mother is required to prepare for everyday meals. Glad I learnt all that which allows me today to run a guesthouse, but that is not the topic here.
I, in many ways, was "only" a girl, supposed to behave well, do my daily duties and be very good in everything so that my parents could boast about themselves by means of their children. My elder brothers mainly refused to take on the job, so it became mine: be the best, everywhere. And I was supposed to be as adult as they wanted me to be, right from birth: walk soon, speak early, try to be good and do everything THEY want, in other words.
adapt to their agenda.
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| Me and my sister with a family friend |
Becoming the person others wanted me to be - and later on believing that this construct actually was ME - following other people's ideas of what is right and appropriate, well, that is the CREATION of the false self, of the patterns we are running unconsciously up to the moment of waking up to who we REALLY are - and I don't necessarily mean that in the pure spiritual sense, as it is fashionable today. It is about discover ing what parts of us are copies or reactions to what we have experienced as the "right" way of being, behaving, feeling, thinking, doing etc. in our childhood.
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| Me. 6 years old - and invisible already |
Now the short films come in which I watched last week: A tender girl, maybe 4 years old, between 2 boys of 7 and 9, looking shyly into the world, holding back, trying to find out what would be expected in the next moment, a coy smile on her little face, ready to run and hide. THAT'S WHY! I thought to myself! That's where my INVISIBILITY and NOT BELONGING comes from, as early as that it was already in place! Wow.
I was lucky enough to possess strong vital energy which allowed me to gradually step out of the complete manifestation of the pattern and to search for a different life. I began to sing - this was my salvation - and I managed to be on stage as a soloist. The first big step into visibility. Then I discovered psychology and spirituality - and I came to understand myself, to a very large degree. And, by means of all that, I learned that my calling is to help others - to help you to come out of your hiding places, your invisibility patterns and other false identities and to become able to enjoy the freedom of being YOURSELF by your own CHOICE which is based on clarity, knowledge and wisdom.
(See also this related blogpost)
